I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
