Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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