Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
