I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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