I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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