It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
