Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
