You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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