I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
