I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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