Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
