Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
