everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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