I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
