Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
