Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
