Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
How's work?
Spinning.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
