She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
