Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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