Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
