I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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