why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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