when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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