you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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