if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
