What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
