"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
