I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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