he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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