I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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