Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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