I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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