i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
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