be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
