we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
