Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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