Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
