While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
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I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
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I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize