oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
