we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
