I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
