God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
So vagazzling was a success
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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