You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize
