I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
