You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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