I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
