so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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