my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
