Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
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they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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