Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
