The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
vagina is talking i cant
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
