What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
