i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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