i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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