from now on my penis is your penis
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
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