All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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