I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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