Your face is a jimmy john
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
