omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
