im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
