this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
